Candace Owens Banned From Black Church


Conservative pundit and author Candace Owens, a controversial political figure as one of less than a dozen known African-American supporters of *President Trump, often has an uphill climb to reconcile her strong opinions with those of her more liberal friends and community members.  This dichotomy became alarmingly clear last weekend when the pastor of her local house of worship, St. Christopher’s Church of Queeferton, Connecticut, refused her entry based on what he related to witnesses was : “A stunning disregard for Christian values and beliefs that are detrimental to the rest of the congregation.”

The predominantly black-attended churchgoers offered up no defense for Owens’ excommunication, with several admitting disdain for the Hitler-sympathizer during interviews with local media.  Although the conservative Fox News brand of fictional fear-and-deception based opinion nonsense normally does well with pretentious phony senior fungus farms who suddenly became “evangelicals” on the day a black man was coincidentally elected President, this particular house of God is far less supportive of Owens and her incessant claptrap to excuse the rampant racism and colossal failures of the embarrassingly impeached commander in Queef.

Sources report that Trump threatens Ben Carson with her friendship, telling the surgeon : “I only need one.”

Church Sacrament Baker Sandra Batt related her misgivings about the mouthy mistress of morons:

“First, she comes to mass dressed like a whore.  That’s always an affront to the Lord.  Second, she writes books and talks on the teevee about how great Mr. Trump is.  We all know Trump is a racist piece of trash who probably calls her ‘my little Oprah’ behind her back and has some ‘Roots’ fantasies about her.  We ain’t stupid here like some handfull of old alpo slurpers in Oklahoma, all running into a klan rally with all their chins waggling.  Church is for the faithful of the Lord.  And Jesus certainly don’t want to hear none of that little girl’s bull puckey.”

“You know, it’s okay to say ‘bullshit’. It’s not my name. Although Dad does sometimes call me ‘tree-boy’ when He’s pissed.”

Owens was reportedly picked up from the driveway of the church by a close friend who is a partner with the pundit in a local Hitler Support Group.  Members of the group admitted they are similarly on the verge of ejecting the annoying blowhard as well.


About Fallis Gunnington 171 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

Be the first to comment