Ocasio-Cortez Suggests Voting By Phone


Imagine it’s election day on a crisp November morning.  You awaken to the morning report from Steve Doocey and Brian Kilmeade and their female assistant.  You poor some milk into your grape nuts cereal, put on your bifocals to see which pills to take, and suddenly your phone rings.  The computer voice on the line identifies itself as a government calling bot, and after asking you to push “1” for English, it asks you to push another button for who you want to be President : 1 for Biden, 2 for Trump.

At which point, Cyborg Ronald Reagan arrives from the year 2061 and tears out your pacemaker to save the Earth from a future butter virus.

Does that kind of dystopian situation leave you a little bit worried about the future of the country?  Well that’s the process supported by everyone’s favorite Congressional Little Lulu Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.   She is suggesting a system of voting by telephone.   Sure, that sounds safe and secure, bartender.  Why don’t you send me down another Moscow Mule?

Sandra Batt of the Institute for Teabagging Complainers outlined exactly what’s wrong with that ridiculous idea:

“According to Miss Cortez’s plan, the confirmation of an active telephone number would confirm the citizens identity.  Robocall machines would then actively dial voters and tally results.  Well, what about seniors who aren’t very quick at answering their Jitterbugs?  How do we know some Millenial paid by Soros or Gates isn’t making every Trump vote into a Biden vote with their fancy Harry Potter magic?  Where does it end?  Does she want us to transition into some internets mumbo jumbo Ask Jeeves Aol voting?  It’s absolute insanity.  This is how we end up as Logan running from Sandmen fighting off tinfoil-box robots.”

Logan. A cosplay convention is a giant billboard reading : “I’m over 30 and lethargic.” Bad move.

Maybe Alexadria needs to take a break as America’s little Zoey Daschanel and retire at an early age like America’s McCully Culkin.  She might not like what happens in her own election when enough of us press the 3 button for “sending the bartender home early without pay.”


About Fallis Gunnington 186 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

Be the first to comment