Soldier Taken Hostage by Antifa Group in Portland


It was a hard, but gutsy decision for *President Trump to make.  Sending Homeland Security military forces into American cities to attempt to quell the chaos going on from citizens excersizing their God-given right to protest.  Some see the move as a massive abuse of power and trampling of the constitution itself, including the governor’s of the affected cities, who have railed against the unwanted intrusion.  One other opinion is much simpler to dissect.  That would be the opinion of Special Forces trooper S.D. Bob Plisskin, who just wants to be kept alive.

“Call me Snake.”

Plisskin has many times been described by his commanding officer as : “A goddamn war hero”, who was injured during a previous battle by exposure to poison gas, rendering one of his eyes hypersensitive to light.  The hardened veteran served on similar missions domestically, aiding extractions, notably, in both New York and Los Angeles.  Nobody’s still exactly sure how he managed to deal after they busted his hump real good in Cleveland.

It was in the comics. It involved JFK’s limo. Hardcore, Snake.

Two days ago, Plisskin was captured while aiding his team in the West Coast city, and was featured in a video message, tied and shackled to a soloflex machine.  A statement was then made by Antifa leader Joe Barron :

“I am Barron, the King of Portland.  I am the Duke.  A Number One.  I, and my army, have captured the criminal fascist that your illegitamite and morbidly obese impeached President has sent in to attempt to silence us.  If you wish to see him again, you’ll meet me at the Great Sky Dick on Friday by midnight.  You will send only the Pence boy with the head of cotton like an old woman’s fiddle cove.  He will come alone and carry one billion dollars in quarters.  I have a lot of laundry to do.  You will do this or your one-eyed beefy man will be force fed tofu and Olive Garden spaghetti until he can only mewl for the release of death.  The clock is ticking, con man.”

Surgeon Bruce Campbell would also like to request a look at Sarah Huckabee’s squinty eye.

Emergency response teams believe the “Sky Dick” reference refers to Seattle’s Space Needle, and are frantically coordinating a response.  We can only hope that perhaps Plisskin, in the meantime, can use his wits and find a way…to Escape From Portland.

About Fallis Gunnington 186 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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