Boy Scouts Debut New ‘BLM’ Merit Badge


The Boy Scouts of America are an institution nearly as old as the country itself.  Helping to build the skills and knowledge of young men through real-world experience and outdoor survival training has long been it’s lofty goal.  Scouts are awarded “merit badges” to signify their capable understanding and abilities in certain skill sets.  Fire building.  Hiking.  Swimming.

There’s even a rare one for when all the other kids corner you in the latrine and repeatedly kick you in the balls.

And now, as of the beginning of next month, “Notable understanding of the struggle of African Americans for equal justice in the United States.”  A Black Lives Matter badge.

It can sometimes be jarring when modern day causes affect time-honored mainstays, but Grand Snoochmaster and Nuclear Eagle Scout Firelord Joe Barron explained why the new change was necessary.

“One important thing for today’s youth to learn in order to not end up say, like impeached President Trump or one of his backwards supporters, is that change always comes, and you need to change with it.  You need to adapt. If you continuously try to go in reverse, you end up buried.   Black Americans are charging forward to achieve the justice system and equal treatment that they deserve.  We honor that as patriots, big and small.  This is only the first of a major shift for the scouting world, with more steps towards LGBTQ recognition and equality next on the list.  That’s going to be a colorful badge.  We’ve already gotten accolades from President Obama for our efforts.  And he’s a REAL leader.  It’s very humbling and amazing.”

Nobody asked Ben Carson because Trump makes him act out all the parts from “The Wiz” in the oval office for him every day.

Activities that will contribute to earning the badge range from reading revolutionary black literature, to etiquette for street protesting, to knowledge of black history and accomplishment.  Guest speakers for rallies to promote the new reward include Al Sharpton and Lil’ Wayne.

The boy scouts have produced such notable figures as George W. Bush, Bruce Springsteen, Jeffrey Dahmer, and pop singing sensation Hanson.  Notice what’s missing from that list?  I’ll give you a hint.  It’s black people.  Racist.

About Fallis Gunnington 186 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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