Great news, Patriots! Bill O’Reilly, the beloved host of the Bill O’Reilly Show on Fox News, has been completely exonerated of any wrongdoing and will return to the network to re-claim his prime time slot.
According to an insider familiar with the negotiations, O’Reilly paid the women who accused him of sexual harassment and they all agreed to drop their complaints and sign no-disclosure agreements. They settled the matter for an undisclosed amount, said to be near seven figures.
As everyone knows, once a person agrees to be quiet, it usually means it was all about the money. It doesn’t really matter what the details of the case were at that point unless you’re Monica Lewinski. O’Reilly is, therefore, free and clear of all allegations and totally innocent.
Fox News reportedly wasted no time scooping him back up before he had other opportunities from Glen Beck’s The Blaze, Breitbart, or OAN. Rumors have it that he will either join Tucker Carlson and share the 8 O’Clock slot or move to 9. Hannity isn’t happy about having his show bumped an hour, but he says he’ll “gladly step aside to let Bill do his thing.” O’Reilly is up there in years and probably won’t last long before he retires or dies anyway.
This is great news for the future of truth in reporting. Bill O’Reilly is always the first to report on important issues that matter to white, Christian men in this country. Issues like the War on Christmas and Jesus’ true skin color, which is — of course — a pasty shade of mayo.
God bless you, Mr. O’Reilly, for hanging in there and never truly admitting that you did wrong, no matter how many women’s reputations were hurt in the process. It’s hard to be a man in a position like yours in this country. We hope you last at least a year or two.