Joe Barron and Sanders Batt probably didn’t even know who Dick Van Dyke was when they saw him walking home from a senior’s Tae Kwan Do class in Queeferton, California. The 94-year old veteran actor and classic television and movie star was born far before the pair of 23-year old Antifa “Captains”, who were holding a street corner bake sale were. It’s very likely they know who he is now.
Barron and Batt encountered Van Dyke just after noon, and offered to help him across the cross-street, seeing his walking cane and slight facial grimace. The star of the smash hit “Elf” took immediate notice of their violent anti-fascism clothing, Antifa-logoed baseball caps, and offensive T-shirts bearing images from popular satirical internet network “America’s Last Line of Defense”, well-known for humiliating trumptards and older teabagging gout-horses. (Available now from zazzle. The shirts, not the old people.) That’s when he exploded into righteous action.
Unbeknownst to the wayward nazi-fighting youths, Van Dyke always carried with him a selection of Chinese throwing stars, props from his second feature : “Omigosh I Married a Negro!” from 1946. Barron was struck twice before he even knew what happened, and according to witnesses, squealed like Mike Pence stumbling upon a boy scout jamboree. Van Dyke then rendered Batt unconscious with a roundhouse kick followed by an uppercut to the jaw. Together, both of these moves shattered 16 of the elderly ninja’s bones, but the point had been made.
The two Antifaians, as well as Van Dyke were arrested after a child struck by bake sale shrapnel alerted police via cell phone, and were transported to Queeferton’s Lady of Perpetual Menopause Hospital. Neither of the two younger men were charged, but the novagenerian Rambo will be held on assault and battery, along with possession of illegal weapons and drug charges stemming from the twenty pounds of heroin that police found on his person.
Let this be a lesson to you, Antifa. Don’t mess with the guy who took a beating from an ottoman five days a week for years without so much as a grunt. You’ll get your ass kicked.