Pelosi Moves To Strip Trump’s Authority To Command Military

WHAT???

There’s a reason the President United States is often referred to by “the commander-in-chief.”  It’s because he alone carries the authority to place, activate, and dictate strategy concerning the deployment of our armed forces.  He’s the most powerful civilian command level there is, as the founders intended.  All that is about to change thanks to an obscure article in the military code and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.

Know what else is about to change? Your suspension of disbelief when Val Kilmer’s Batman movie comes out in HD.

Far back in our history, under President Martin Van Buren, the 8th Congress entered an article into the military law code.  1839’s article 33 dictates that : “The President shall lose his command of the nation’s military forces in all manner and means, should it be clearly evident and obvious to the House and a majority of the American people that he has lost all cognitive ability to reasonably function in reality.”  The second section of the act stipulates that in such a case, the command would be laid upon the previous occupant of the White House to display competency, in this case, Barack Obama.

Joe Barron of the Historical American Institute Regarding Protecting the Integrity of Executive Sciences told sources that he and H.A.I.R.P.I.E.S. agree with Pelosi’s activation of the article.

“Trump is clearly living in his own separate reality.  The original article was actually written to respond to Van Buren contracting a fairly bad case of syphilis and ordering the emerging armed forces to converge on a small cabin in Pennsylvania to attack a woman named Sally Furfenberger.  Today, we’re seeing similar behavior from Trump, who violates the constitution with seeming glee by sending Federal troops to cities in order to attack peaceful protesters.  There are more than enough adequate examples of mentally unstable behavior to be found to justify his severing of all command of the armed forces.  This is for the good of all Americans.   Nancy Pelosi is a hero, and there’s no telling how many lives she will save with this action.”

“Also, be it known to Sally the Harlot, that I desire the immediate return of my Radiohead music cyllinders.”

Pelosi intends to push legal activation of Article 33 through by the beginning of next week.  It’s time, it appears, to remove a Pon-farr ravaged Spock from the bridge of the Enterprise.

About Fallis Gunnington 125 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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