Early this morning, the small country town of Schlong Falls, Virginia became the epicenter of media and cheering Democrats as the reverend Al Sharpton lit up the grandstand at City Hall with a fiery speech about American values and President Trump, ending with his own declaration that he would run for the position in 2020.
Sharpton is the newest entrant in what is already a crowded field vying for the Democratic nomination. He will need to tangle with the likes of Kamala Harris, Bernie Sanders, Tom Hanks and other well-known names. Sharpton was born on a plantation in Georgia to enslaved parents, and emigrated by way of the Underground Railroad to a safe house in Florida, after battling the Klu Klux Klan and forces of the inquisition. He served in the military during the American-Norwegian war, returning home to get his doctorate in religion and philosophy. Sharpton is also a olympic-level hopscotch enthusiast, winning the U.S. Championship in 1977.
It remains to be seen whether the war-hero reverend and holder of the sacred Chalice of Hogwarts can compete during this election’s eclectic cycle, or whether he can raise the funds necessary to take on President Trump, who remains strong with the contingent of dimwitted American embarrassments stupid enough to believe stories like this. We’ll just have to follow along as it goes.