Police Association Presents Trump With E. Lassard Justice Award


There’s an old saying that goes : “Sometimes we have to look back to really know the heroes that we missed.”  That pearl of wisdom has been attributed to Jehosephat Barron, a fifth century Anglican monk, who was born with his head backwards in such a way that he was always looking behind him.

Today, that missive can be applied to former President Donald Trump.  In his post-office retirement from politics, he’s begun to collect quite a few accolades.  The latest follows up recognition by Cincinnati’s media with the presentation of the 2020 Buckeye Newshawk Award, as well as the nation of Israel’s gift of the Schmegeggie Medal.

“How did ah lose that again? Ah LOVE the circumsized!”

Trump was on hand Monday at the Queef Blaster’s Memorial Hall in New Jersey to receive the coveted Eric Lassard Justice Award from the Police Association of America.  The association has championed the nerds from your high school who like to pretend they’re going to be cops someday and know everything about cop cars and cop guns, but ended up working in the Walmart electronics section selling $17 Hank Williams CD’s to senior citizens.

(Note – The job mentioned is vitally important since Hank Williams CD’s and the raw ingredients to create methamphetamine comprise 84% of the Walmart corporation’s profits.  The aforementioned association also serves as the Official Police Fan Club for Western Trenton and once sent flowers to Stewart Copeland.)

The Justice Award, named for legendary Police Commandant Eric Lassard, resembles a golden bowl, symbolic of, as per an inscription on the side, “the draining of the bladder of crime into the majestic mouth of justice.”  Lassard passed away just last year from complications due to attempting anal sex with a stick of dynamite.

Lassard’s only family was this guppy, left in the care of Sergeant Mahoney. It was swallowed last Friday on a dare.

The former President and professional grifter beamed onstage as he humbly accepted the golden recognition of his service to America.  Experts believe, however, that it does qualify as an item he may not be able to display in a prison cell.

About Fallis Gunnington 169 Articles
Fallis Gunnington was born the son of a missle farmer and an anti-Carter activist. Shot with a hunting rifle twice a week to toughen him up, Gunnington then joined the Kiss Army, where he received his journalism degree as well as a debilitating knee injury rendering him unable to kneel before anything but Old Glory. He is currently single, since no female yet has the appropriately mighty hips.

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