11 Drivers Sue NASCAR For $60 Million For ‘Cultural Discrimination’

Eleven Drivers have filed a class-action suit against NASCAR for violating their civil rights. According to lawyers for the group, which calls itself the Last Official Southern Erudite Rebellion Society, say they’re seeking $60 million in reparations, which would allow them to build and operate a track of their own outside the NASCAR system:

“NASCAR currently has a monopoly on racing, and that’s against the law. They own most of the tracks and make all of the rules. The drivers in this group are looking to start fresh, with their heritage intact.

“Three of the drivers lost family in the Battle of Gettysburg when the northern aggressors illegally fired upon a peaceful encampment. Others are just not happy with the decision to take their symbol of southern pride, racist and hateful as it may be, because it wasn’t them that turned black folks into slaves.

“This whole thing needs to be fixed, and fixed soon. NASCAR is gonna start seeing an influx of people wearing rainbows, women, and minorities. The real fans will need a place to go where they can stay true to their southern roots. God matters. He don’t like it when people stray from the rules of the bible.”

The L.O.S.E.R.S. will have a conference call with NASCAR early this week to see if they can reach an agreement. According to NASCAR spokeswoman, Trish Blake, they won’t get far:

“Nobody cares about 11 nobody drivers or their racist demands. We’re just gonna tell them to get bent and go on with our day. The 1st Amendment doesn’t apply on private property, and we don’t own the bulk of the tracks, we just manage the races. So…they’re welcome to come wave their loser symbols and hate speech during Monster truck Night or at Formula One events.”

None of the drivers are well-known enough to bother interviewing, but this sure did make for a clickable headline. Hopefully, the next satirical bout with NASCAR will go better for the racists.

About Flagg Eagleton 104 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.

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